Whether you are a Yankees fan or Red Sox fan, prefer great taste or less filling, or are a Democrat or Republican, everyone can agree on one thing: the dating world is a complicated place. How does one make the first move? What sort of move is there to make? How do you know if he or she even wants said move to be made? There are too many of us who are too afraid or too unsure of how to deal with the opposite sex. Is there hope? Are we doomed to a life alone, a life of embarrassing screw ups and misguided attempts at love?
There is light at the end of this woebegone romantic tunnel. Follow us on a path to dating righteousness, one that is outlined with tips and rules for romance. Straight from the experiences of fellow singles to your computer screen, here is the opportunity to learn the ups and downs, the rights and wrongs, the ins and outs, of meeting that special someone. Whether you are looking for a partner for one night or one lifetime, here is what to do.
Matt’s Rules for Dating
Many of you may be wondering who this “Matt” character is, thinking aloud, “what, did they just find someone with the most generic name on the planet and such low self-esteem that he is willing to pose in the most absurd situations just to get his face and dating tips on the Internet?” Basically, yes. I am your average mid-20 year old who has always yearned for the opportunity to pass on my deep wealth of knowledge on the opposite sex to anyone who desires it. I am proactive, a paradigm of affability and the kind of person who likes using buzzwords such as “proactive” and “paradigm” to sound important. Heed my sage advice and just beware: women will never leave you alone again.
1- Don’t Sleep with Her Mom!
An obvious rule, perhaps, but is it always followed? Just ask Luke on the hit Fox show, The OC. Or talk to someone who actually exists and has made this mistake. Either way, the point remains the same: the path to your desired diva’s pants, I mean heart, does not go through her mother’s. That’s just gross … no matter how hot the mom may be
2- If You Stare, BEWARE!
They may be big, they may be perky and they may be hanging so far out of a v-neck that they wouldn’t be allowed in a PG movie, but you still must resist. Women might be tempting you with their two best buddies, but if you give into this temptation, it’s nothing but double trouble. Look her in the eyes when you speak and pretty soon you may not only see the breasts in question, but touch them as well!
3- Take her to St. Mark’s Square in Venice and scream at the top of your lungs, “I love this woman!”
It worked for the guy in the commercial. Ok, he followed this announcement with a diamond ring and it was only then that the shallow bitch reciprocated with feelings of her own, but you shouldn’t go after materialistic gold diggers anyway. Focus on women who will admire your unabashed, unwavering views and watch them swoon.
4- In a Word: Juggle
Set yourself apart. Never blend in. Women want a mate who is different, one who can do more than simply crush a beer can against his forehead. Most of those who can juggle sport a round red nose and gigantic shoes, not the most desirable traits in the opposite sex. So if you can show off a unique skill and look at all normal, you’ve given yourself a decent chance.
5- Show Her Your Athletic Side
Few women want the guy picked last for kickball. They would probably not prefer a dumb jock, either. But if you can channel your inner A.C. Slater and excel at sports while revealing a sensitive, fun-loving side, the opposite sex will ogle over your athletic prowess and bask in the warmth of your personality
6- Take Advantage of How Gosh Darn Cute Puppies Are
Their attention may initially be focused on the adorable face on your leash or in your arms, but where do you think women will turn their gaze after smiling at the puppy? A tough masculine exterior, augmented by that playful cute side that is a dog’s best friend will be enough to earn you a phone number … or two .. or three …
7- When in Doubt, Wear Plaid
What, you think females go for the straight arrow, polo shirt look? Or the leather jacket? Or the ripped tank top? A man that can pull of a fine looking plaid outfit is a man that cannot be resisted; “come hither, embrace me for my confident kookiness,” you are telling those fine foxes. Fret not, they will follow
8- Never Let Her See You Sweat
It’s all about the confidence, the self-assuredness, the lack of sweaty, gooey liquid dripping from your pores onto her face and forcing her to abandon the romantic situation because she needs to find a towel to wipe off all that sweaty, gooey liquid that carries with it a foul smell. So use deodorant.
9- Cook Her Dinner
Who says that a man is the only one whose heart can be reached through his stomach? Even if your best home-cooked meal is grilled cheese, throw the wheat bread in the toaster and go for it. Add candles, romantic music and wine to the mix and have yourself an evening to remember … especially if you add bacon to the grilled cheese. Mmmm, bacon …