The confidence factor

Confidence is a turn-on. We all know people who aren’t in line for the Miss or Mr America crowns, but their self-belief is so great that draw the opposite sex to them.

But if you’re chronically under-confident, and your about to meet your new date, how can give yourself a boost? Of course, there’s the usual stuff about looking as good as you can, but confidence doesn’t come from what you’re wearing – or even how you look – it comes from inside.

A lot of it comes down to what the psychologists call “self-talk”. So take a moment and look at your thoughts as they roll through your head. Are you putting yourself down? Are you thinking ‘She’ll never like me, I’m just not cute enough?’ Are you going over and over past break-ups in your head?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, then your self-talk needs major surgery. Be your own best friend. Mentally go through all the times in your life when you’ve felt confident when you’ve passed an exam with flying colors, for example, or got that hard-to-get job. Or when you’ve helped someone or been a true friend. Ask yourself what your strengths and talents are (come on! we ALL have them!), and take these thoughts and polish them.

Confidence can come from taking a chance. Some people have been known to go sky-diving or fire-walking to boost their confidence. You don’t have to go that far, but the idea is to do something outside of your comfort zone. It’ll raise your confidence quota, without a doubt. You may be surprised to find out that confidence is a learned skill…

Quoted in Psychology Today, Bernardo Carducci, the director of Indiana University Southeast’s Shyness Research Institute, says that “we assume that confident people were born that way. That puts us at a disadvantage because then we say, ‘I could never do that.’ “We compare ourselves to the most popular person in the room – or on TV – rather than to people who are similar to us. When we see a celebrity like George Clooney on talk shows – suave and funny, flirting easily with the audience – we feel inadequate. But we forget that he’s done this hundreds of times and has an army of handlers to groom and prep him. When we watch The Tonight Show and conclude that icons of charisma are born, not made, we are not only wrong – we sabotage our chances of achieving our social potential.”

So, in other words, it’s about being realistic. And not comparing ourselves to others. About not berating ourselves when things go wrong. We need to treat – and talk to –ourselves as we would our closest friends.

Singles alike are faced with common situations of anxiety when approaching other singles for a chat or to ask someone on a date. Bernardo Carducci also goes on to suggest that shyness is a common issue for singles, and suggests utilizing free dating websites and singles online chat sites as a less confrontational method of dating.

Confidence…it all comes from the inside.

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